Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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