I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
my liver is dry heaving
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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