did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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Did I show you my penis last night?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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