So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
