just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The uberlube is also flammable
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
