i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
