next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
