I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
