I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
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You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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