We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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