i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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