my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
