i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
two words...techno handjob
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
