If that was your dad, he is hot
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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