I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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