So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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