Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
