Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
