so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
