So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
