OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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