When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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