i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.