The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol