Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
