if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
you made out with another girl for some wings
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
