she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
