You just made me feel so damn special
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
