i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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