I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
