it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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