Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
