Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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