I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I fill condoms, not promises.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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