Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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