Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
