youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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