On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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