That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
