I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize