I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
