Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
