And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
