He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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