I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
