He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
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I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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