so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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