so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
