all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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