Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
