So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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