Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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