I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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