Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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