we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
