He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
